This One's for Megan and Her Friend Tigger

After 642 posts, time for a little humor.

It's not often that I pass on to others one of the dozen email chain letters that arrive before breakfast every morning, but this one—from a truly seasoned citizen—struck a chord.

$5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus: The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"

All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40 mph zone. Yessss, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

Pass this on to the other "old fogies" on your list (so they can have fun laughing, too).

Notice the larger type? That's for those of us who have trouble reading.

P.S. Save the earth...... It's the only planet with chocolate!!!!!

A Name to Remember: Susan Boyle

There's a lesson here to be learned for each of us.

Take a few minutes, seven to be precise, to watch a video that will change your day, your view of your own humanity. Take a few minutes to lessen the weight on your shoulders, to brighten your day and widen your smile. Take a few minutes to really appreciate God's creatures, our foibles, our limits and our abilities to soar.

Take a lesson from a 47-year old homebody who, after devoting her life to the care of others, came out one night to find the glass slipper fits perfectly.

Click here to see how Susan Boyle changed her life. You'll be glad you did.

The oldest of nine children, a life of disability and sacrifice, a dreamer, a star.

From Les Misarables:

I dreamed a dream in time gone by,
When hope was high and life, worth living.
I dreamed that love would never die,
I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
Then I was young and unafraid,
And dreams were made and used and wasted.
There was no ransom to be paid,
No song unsung, no wine, untasted.

But the tigers come at night,
With their voices soft as thunder,
As they tear your hope apart,
And they turn your dream to shame.

And still I dream he'll come to me,
That we will live the years together,
But there are dreams that cannot be,
And there are storms we cannot weather!

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living,
So different now from what it seemed...
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed...

A Campaign Strategy for the Ages

Cartoon by Michael Ramirez, H/T to Ed Morrisey

The Obama word clouds speak louder than words.

First Photo: Sarah Palin with Joe Biden

Here's the very first photo of Governor Sarah Palin together with Senator Joe Biden, taken immediately after their first debate.

Biden's the one hanging on the back of the sofa.

The little guy in front? A crab called Messiah. Just an appetizer for the Barracuda.

On the East Coast, they define "mean" as the way you talk.

Westerners have a little take on the meaning of the word.

Hillary Supports the 2nd Amendment...

The way Bill supports monogamy.

I suppose it depends on what the meaning of "supports" is. You'll know she has made the complete transition to Evita if she ever says she "supports" the Constitution.

Strange Headlines Met on Way to Frozen-over Hell

Being tired will help, maybe even a Knob Creek, but these headlines strike me as too strange to have been coincidental. Strangeness is the air…

First: "Cheney Condition Makes Heart Flutter" by Reuters

Do you suppose they're talking about the reaction of the nuttier leftists at Slate or the Seattle P-I to news that Vice President Cheney entered the hospital this afternoon?

Also: "Capital Has Severe HIV Epidemic, Report Finds" by Reuters

Yep, all those little HIV germs swam across the Potomac River on the backs of the guns that mysteriously migrate to DC every evening on their own volition. DC is quite the magnet.

Then: "Bush Welcomes Gore to Oval Office" on MyWay

Don't you know, Bush wanted to offer Al a warm welcome, but that's just not in keeping with Gore's emphasis on the climate.

And, "Reid Leads Senators on Bipartisan Junket Through Latin America" by Robert Novak

The Senate Majority Leader, who is presently stalling military funding bills in order to make political points, visited Mexico, Brazil, Columbia, Guatamala and Paraquay over Thanksgiving. Harry Reid has now spent more time in each of those extremely important countries than he has spent in Iraq, ever.

Finally, "Hillary Buys Gun, Hums 'His Cheatin' Heart'"

Ok, just kidding on the last one.

A Little Barnyard Humor

I spent several years in one of the northern tier states, which I came to love and where much of our "ethnic" humor revolved around what we thought of as the unfortunate citizens in the neighboring state to the east.

My wife's home state.

I learned later that their humor was focused on the citizens of the state that is their immediate neighbor to the east, my state being beneath their threshold for notice.

We're going back to visit in a little while and I thought to send this on in advance of our visit.

How do you tell that you're from (her state) (my state)?

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back, and they don’t want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.

You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip” on the side.

The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

H/T and a Thank You to James at Midwest Pundits, who used this list to describe certain residents of his state.

UPDATE: My wife informs me that my attendance at the family gathering is no longer strictly necessary.

UPDATE: For those who live east of the Mississippi, yes, I know there is no humor in this and that this is largely replicative of what you learned about the West in school, but bear with us, ok?